Faced with the result of the Government’s austerity efficiency programme the only Police Officer left in England is getting tired. He has to answer to a huge number of bosses and managers; record data which the bosses then fiddle and then pass all the evidence to his mate Idgo Guilty who is the only prosecutor left for England.
There’s one huge prison-the Isle of Wight- run by GeoG4sedex from which no one is released as there are no probation officers.
Lord Grating has delivered the Government’s (UKIP/Tory/Labour/LibDem Coalition) dream of minimal involvement in poor people’s Justice whilst lavishing all sorts of resources on the “paid for” sector so that Russians can get divorced in London’s new World Centre of Rich People’s Divorces and Commercial Arbitration.
There’s only one defence firm which employs 6 people in its social media and IT department and 3 people who failed their law degrees but spent two hours watching a Public Support webinar. The firm is owned by an American insurance company.
Anyway PC Plebbe was on patrol in his helicopter when he spotted a large chap in a red hoody clambering over some dwellings in Surrey. “We can’t be having this!” he exclaimed. ” I shall investigate” he turned on his body cam live feed to Lord Grating. At whichever of his 20 mansions he stayed Lord Grating was able to view the work of PC Plebbe.
PC Plebbe closed in on the prisoner (sorry “suspect”).”Excuse me sonny. What you up to?” Ever since England had left the UK, left the EU, left the UN and the European Court of Human Rights PC Plebbe and the Government could do whatever PC Plebbe wanted.
“I’m delivering presents” replied the hooded chap.
“Oh yeah!? On the roof??”
“Yes. Don’t you know who I am?”
” Here we go again” said PC Plebbe.
“No, seriously. Don’t you?”
“I haven’t time for X Factor or IACGMOOH or any of that crap. I watch NCIS and CSI to see how our former really special ally still maintains an antiquated justice system. They still have Courts and Justice. ”
“I’m Santa” said the hoody.
” What!!” exclaimed PC Plebbe. ” I thought Prime Minister FarGarage got rid of him with the No Foreigners In England Act 2017″.
“No. I still travel freely”!explained Santa.
“Let me see your visa, passport, permission to work card, DNA, HIV free certificate and ethnicity classification” demanded PC Plebbe.
” I don’t have them. I’m Santa. I’m exempt”.
” Bollocks” ejaculated the copper. “No foreigners are exempt”.
Then PC Plebbe noted the whiff of alcohol. ” Have you been drinking sir?” he enquired.
“Of course. People leave me whisky, sherry, port, gin, cocaine. It’s a perk of the job”.
“Blow into this” demanded PC Plebbe. ” Where’s your vehicle?”
“It’s over there”. Hoody pointed to another roof
“It’s a flying sleigh drawn by flying antelope.”
“!Shouldn”t that be reindeer?” asked PC Plebve.
” No. Reindeer can’t fly. I stick those funny horns on them to maintain the myth. They’re antelope”.
” This is crazy !!” said PC Plebbe. ” I shall consult Lord Grating.”
After a few minutes on the radio PC Plebbe announced “you are sentenced to life in prison. No books. No job. No courses. No education”
” Excuse me. Don’t I get a trial?”
” No. Lord Grating got rid of Courts and Judges coz they kept telling him he was wrong. The Law Society helped shape this new future through consulting on this process and by suggesting how all lawyers and Regulators could be dispensed with. The Law Society called it “market consolidation”. Lord Grating called it ” a bloody good idea”. Lord Grating was very grateful as he hadn’t even thought of it!”
“So I’m off to jail?”
“No trial. No advocate. Nothing??”.
“No. It’s really cheap and super efficient” said PC Plebbe, smiling.
“It’s not justice, though”.
“Justice. Mustice. Who cares? It’s cheap and efficient”
” But children will be disappointed” the hoody explained.
“Whatevs!!” retorted PC Plebbe (who was only 16 after all).”Come with me”.
PC Plebbe placed Hoody in cuffs for his own protection and the protection of PC Plebbe and took him by helicopter straight to Isle of Wight prison.
However the flying antelope had other ideas. They flew to the Isle of Wight and rescued Hoody and freed the prisoners.
Lord Grating and Prime Minister FarGarage were taken out and shot and England rejoined all the institutions it had left. The justice system was restored and properly resourced and the rule of law and the power of the Justice system was re-established and recognised.
Only because it had been taken away did English people realise how important it was.
All was well. Santa got on with his work. Presents were delivered. Children experienced joy.
Clearly this is impossible. No one, no politician would allow the power of the State to vest in a few hands and for the Justice system to be dismantled under the guise of efficiency and austerity. Surely a properly resourced Justice system is an imperative?